This is usually the time of year where my personal lens shifts its focus. With graduations, new jobs, and other rites of passage in abundance, my generally reflective self becomes rather "projective". What do I want to be when I grow up? Where do I see myself in five years? With my own "new beginning" rapidly approaching, I'm finding more and more that I'm unsure of. I can't help but wonder, do we really need to grow up?
Remember when life was simple? When your friends and family were the only important things in the world. When the ice cream could make your day, no matter what happened before. When a kiss could take away all of your ailments. When you could get lost in the smallest intricacies of life and spend hours lost in your imagination. If only we could bottle that clarity, freedom, and appreciation for the little things, and carry it in our big responsible "adult" pocket to take a sip of when everything started getting too serious. Maybe we shouldn't seek out some radical departure from "who we were" to become "who we are". Maybe finding that simplicity again is the real answer.
-Mike
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
...
With problems like rising gas prices, a lack of jobs and cancer, society has taken time to redesign the ketchup packet. This combined with the Snuggie with pockets and the Shake Weight leaves me very hopeful for a bright future. Ugh.
-Mike
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Common Cart-esy
I sat helplessly as a steel framed structure wheeled itself toward my late model Hyundai accent. I made my final plea to the phantom figure propelling this unmanned beast and braced myself for a seemingly inevitable impact. The collision was brief, striking my posh luxury vehicle squarely on its side-view mirror. My nerves eased as the stainless steel chariot veered off in a new direction, charting a course towards its next victim. About fifteen feet into the new collision course, through what some may call divine intervention, my aggressor, enlisting the aide of a sewer drain, circled back for a second attack. Slamming my car into reverse, I sounded the retreat. I narrowly escaped the second onslaught. Had the winds changed, I might not be here to share this shopping cart war story with you today.
Incidents like mine occur across parking lots nationwide, and I can't help but think they could be avoided. I'm calling this initiative "Common Cart-esy". The idea is quite simple. If you use a cart during your shopping excursion, return it to the storefront or into one of the conveniently placed cart corrals when you are finished with it. I know... I'm a genius. Hold your applause... there's a catch, everyone has to do their part for my dream of a runaway-cart-free America to be realized.
The tragedy of this is that I know that this will never happen, even though steps have already been taken to make it easier than ever to return shopping carts to their proper places. You know those cart corrals in parking lots? The ones that always make you think there is an empty parking spot? They haven't always been there. Originally, shopping carts were not even allowed to leave stores. Shoppers had to schlep their goods out to their vehicles on their own. Store owners eventually permitted customers the courtesy of pushing the carts to their cars under the expectation that they would be returned to the store's entrance. Low and behold, the customers too lazy to carry the goods from the store were now too lazy to return the carts to their original place.
The stranded carts posed a problem: store owners had to create new positions and increase employee's job responsibilities in response to the selfishness of the general public. Cart corrals were eventually created in hopes that the increased proximity to the shopper's cars would make returning the cart more convenient and keep the lots clear until employees could retrieve them. Still, people managed and still manage to abandon their carts and leave them running rampant and preying on unsuspecting parkers. In some places, companies are actually requiring a deposit just to use a cart to ensure its return. It's really disturbing that it has gotten to the point where we, as a society, have become so careless that we have to have money on the line in order for us to return something after we are done with it.
So, here I go attempting to change the world one cart return at a time, but unfortunately I can't do it on my own. So, are you with me? (Common Cart-esy buttons and t-shirts are available for anyone willing to produce them)
-Mike
Incidents like mine occur across parking lots nationwide, and I can't help but think they could be avoided. I'm calling this initiative "Common Cart-esy". The idea is quite simple. If you use a cart during your shopping excursion, return it to the storefront or into one of the conveniently placed cart corrals when you are finished with it. I know... I'm a genius. Hold your applause... there's a catch, everyone has to do their part for my dream of a runaway-cart-free America to be realized.
The tragedy of this is that I know that this will never happen, even though steps have already been taken to make it easier than ever to return shopping carts to their proper places. You know those cart corrals in parking lots? The ones that always make you think there is an empty parking spot? They haven't always been there. Originally, shopping carts were not even allowed to leave stores. Shoppers had to schlep their goods out to their vehicles on their own. Store owners eventually permitted customers the courtesy of pushing the carts to their cars under the expectation that they would be returned to the store's entrance. Low and behold, the customers too lazy to carry the goods from the store were now too lazy to return the carts to their original place.
The stranded carts posed a problem: store owners had to create new positions and increase employee's job responsibilities in response to the selfishness of the general public. Cart corrals were eventually created in hopes that the increased proximity to the shopper's cars would make returning the cart more convenient and keep the lots clear until employees could retrieve them. Still, people managed and still manage to abandon their carts and leave them running rampant and preying on unsuspecting parkers. In some places, companies are actually requiring a deposit just to use a cart to ensure its return. It's really disturbing that it has gotten to the point where we, as a society, have become so careless that we have to have money on the line in order for us to return something after we are done with it.
So, here I go attempting to change the world one cart return at a time, but unfortunately I can't do it on my own. So, are you with me? (Common Cart-esy buttons and t-shirts are available for anyone willing to produce them)
-Mike
Monday, February 21, 2011
I'm having a bad hair day...
Today my alarm clock called in sick leaving me with exactly negative two minutes to get dressed, out the door, and twenty minutes down the road. Needless to say, I wasn't going to be turning any heads with my looks today. At least, not for the right reasons. Fashionably clad in yesterday's jeans, a wrinkled shirt, a baseball cap, and sporting a 5 o'clock shadow that was looking a little closer to 6, I made my way out the door. Aside from looking slightly homeless and running a little late, my day seemed to be running smoothly, that is, until lunch at a local chain restaurant, which for now will remain unnamed.
A 40-something woman decided to visit my table on her way back from the bathroom, pausing before slurring, "Ya know. It's rude to wear a hat in here."
Trying to keep my half chewed burger from shooting from my face, I replied, "I'm sorry. I'm having a bad hair day."
Unrelenting, she quipped, "That's no 'scuse," before walking away.
As I watched her reclaim her perch atop a bar stool at this local Applebee's and start downing a bottle of Coors at 11:15 in the morning, I realized that I was clearly outclassed and under dressed for my spot in this prestigious establishment. Although she'll probably never contribute much to humanity with her lack of tact, love of floral sweatsuits, and irregular drinking habits, she did inspire me enough to look into this "no hats indoors" rule.
Here's what I found:
All of the silly hat etiquette stuff comes from before our time, unless as you're reading this, pushing 90, and have somehow learned to navigate the web (if so hats off to you...). It's a societal standard that has absolutely no footing in a modern setting. Originally, workers used to wear large hats that covered part of their face and neck to protect them from the sun. Taking your hat off was practical and respectful since it was nearly impossible for anyone to see your face with it on. Plus, these hats were perpetually dirty from working outdoors. The "hats off" idea carried to when men wore top hats. In the late 18th to 19th century, some men would hide pistols in them. As a sign of honesty, men would take off their hats when visiting one another.
Even into the age of industrialization, my Applebee dame's rule still had a purpose. Men would wear hats in mines, factories, and plants as part of their uniform. When they came home, there were harmful substances on them, so they removed them while indoors for health/sanitation reasons. I for one, don't know anyone that lounges around in their work uniform anymore after they've punched out, just like I seriously doubt that this Applebee's patron sits around her trailer in her blue greeter's vest when her shift at Wal-Mart ends. My hat wasn't a part of a uniform and it had nothing harmful on it (unless you consider old hair gel toxic). Logically, I should have been safe from any scrutiny for wearing my hat inside. I clearly wasn't breaking any justified social standards.
Unfortunately, now all we have are these past values to hold up this silly custom. Really, the only place this woman's quip could still have any standing is in a religious setting where some religions don't allow you to put anything between you and God when worshiping (i.e. Christianity). Although, I believe Islam and Judaism require some form of head covering. So there. That argument's already shot.
Obviously, I'm not a farmer, factory worker, or a gun toting outlaw, nor am I trying to convert the hostess stand at Applebee's into a pulpit. Until any of those things happen, my hat will retain its duty of covering up my bedhead. Take that, Applebee's woman, I win.
Somehow, this victory against a potential alcoholic via the internet isn't as fulfilling as I had hoped it would be. Damn.
-Mike
A 40-something woman decided to visit my table on her way back from the bathroom, pausing before slurring, "Ya know. It's rude to wear a hat in here."
Trying to keep my half chewed burger from shooting from my face, I replied, "I'm sorry. I'm having a bad hair day."
Unrelenting, she quipped, "That's no 'scuse," before walking away.
As I watched her reclaim her perch atop a bar stool at this local Applebee's and start downing a bottle of Coors at 11:15 in the morning, I realized that I was clearly outclassed and under dressed for my spot in this prestigious establishment. Although she'll probably never contribute much to humanity with her lack of tact, love of floral sweatsuits, and irregular drinking habits, she did inspire me enough to look into this "no hats indoors" rule.
Here's what I found:
All of the silly hat etiquette stuff comes from before our time, unless as you're reading this, pushing 90, and have somehow learned to navigate the web (if so hats off to you...). It's a societal standard that has absolutely no footing in a modern setting. Originally, workers used to wear large hats that covered part of their face and neck to protect them from the sun. Taking your hat off was practical and respectful since it was nearly impossible for anyone to see your face with it on. Plus, these hats were perpetually dirty from working outdoors. The "hats off" idea carried to when men wore top hats. In the late 18th to 19th century, some men would hide pistols in them. As a sign of honesty, men would take off their hats when visiting one another.
Even into the age of industrialization, my Applebee dame's rule still had a purpose. Men would wear hats in mines, factories, and plants as part of their uniform. When they came home, there were harmful substances on them, so they removed them while indoors for health/sanitation reasons. I for one, don't know anyone that lounges around in their work uniform anymore after they've punched out, just like I seriously doubt that this Applebee's patron sits around her trailer in her blue greeter's vest when her shift at Wal-Mart ends. My hat wasn't a part of a uniform and it had nothing harmful on it (unless you consider old hair gel toxic). Logically, I should have been safe from any scrutiny for wearing my hat inside. I clearly wasn't breaking any justified social standards.
Unfortunately, now all we have are these past values to hold up this silly custom. Really, the only place this woman's quip could still have any standing is in a religious setting where some religions don't allow you to put anything between you and God when worshiping (i.e. Christianity). Although, I believe Islam and Judaism require some form of head covering. So there. That argument's already shot.
Obviously, I'm not a farmer, factory worker, or a gun toting outlaw, nor am I trying to convert the hostess stand at Applebee's into a pulpit. Until any of those things happen, my hat will retain its duty of covering up my bedhead. Take that, Applebee's woman, I win.
Somehow, this victory against a potential alcoholic via the internet isn't as fulfilling as I had hoped it would be. Damn.
-Mike
Thursday, February 17, 2011
I have nothing to say... I say it regularly.
"I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about.".- Oscar Wilde
Welcome to my blog about... nothing. I'm sure it will eventually be about something, but I don't want to get anyone's hopes up (including my own). So sit back, relax, and work on lowering your expectations. Who knows? Maybe we'll both be surprised.
-Mike
Welcome to my blog about... nothing. I'm sure it will eventually be about something, but I don't want to get anyone's hopes up (including my own). So sit back, relax, and work on lowering your expectations. Who knows? Maybe we'll both be surprised.
-Mike
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